Hopeless

I wrote this poem in one of my darkest moments. Gut-wrenching though it was, God used it to bring me to the book of Job, chapters 38-42. Despite my black heart, the confusion of my circumstances, and the emotional brink on which I was teetering, God showed me that He is God. My self-righteousness needed to be laid down, overwhelmed by His sovereign wisdom and power. 


No, it didn't necessarily change the circumstances or make the pain completely go away. Far from it. But this lament, which was accepted by God, provided a door for Him to reach inside my heart and begin straightening what was (and is) crooked. Do I have the answers? No, just as Job did not have the answers. However, instead of asking "why is life so difficult?", will I have the faith to ask "Who provides strength for the trials of life?"

Hopeless

Life itself seems hopeless,

happiness a distant dream.

Tell me why I'm here?

Evil seems to overtake any good.

Emotions run high,

and then they run low.

Cutting seems ok,

At least then I could feel again.

The pain is a dull ache,

the tears a wishful past.

My eyes are weary,

yet sleep and rest are my enemy.

My prayers pass my lips,

yet seem to bounce back,

resounding in an empty room,

am I sinning or too far to be saved?

Am I deep in self-pity,

refusing to call my friends?

Has God left me,

repulsed at my black heart?

Confusion overwhelmes me,

I feel like I will fall apart.

I crave the darkness,

to feel the weight of quiet on my ears.

God, help me,

rescue me from myself.

I am lost and hurt,

frozen and unable to move.